An introspective look at [the love life of] a "City Boy"

When you live too long alone, with no real sense of place, you begin to manufacture love in different ways. It’s the cities who have kept me sane in my solitude. This goes out to those I’ve known, I’ll leave the naming up to you.

You’re the first I claimed to love, who I never really knew. Still I thought you beautiful, and longed to know you with intimacy. I never learned your secrets. I always lived too far away. Still when I think of home, I always speak your name.

My greatest love remains the one so many claimed to love. You had everything and offered more than I ever could partake. Still there lurks a darkness, a secret shame or two, and while the mask you wear is magnificent, it propels you beyond my reach. Still, I tried to learn your avenues, I wandered in your streets, but in my attempt to love you, you’re the one who proved untrue. That doesn't mean I won't find me lost in you again. You remain my deepest, truest love, for the memories and dreams that have idealized you in me.

Beautiful beyond my means, I had to see you to believe. The beach, the streets, the glam and guts: you boast much for one so young. Many have succumbed to your siren call, not to say I wouldn’t too had I more to offer you. I saw you with a chaperone and guide, still I dared to dream that one day I could find myself wrapped inside your embrace.

I dated some in Africa, guarding fresh wounds from the former two. I was warned of Joburg before we met, and risked little in her care. Livingston had some allure, but only for missing those I knew. Lusaka, Kasama, Moroguro, Kigoma, were all stops along the way. Bujumbura was our destination, but disappointed in her way. Leaving her we met Kigali, Kampala and Entebbe. My traipsing through Africa left me indebted more to love the little things I missed.

Still in returning to, and visiting, these former loves of mine, I was, in turn, compelled to leave again. Now I’m the furthest away I’ve ever been. I’m a stranger with you who has been my constant company. I’m far from home, and though I still don’t know where that could be, I feel foreign when I’m with you. Soul for some proves flesh for me, and I'm looking deeper still. Not sure what more I have to find but, as always, time will tell.

- Foster